Bad Advice for Good People
I've read some stuff: self help, health and spiritual type shit. My forté is reinterpreting it as my own. I've got a (fake) Ph.D. in advice-ing, all women do don't they? Let me tell you what to do with your life so I don't have to look at my own. WHEN ASKING A QUESTION, PLEASE INCLUDE DETAILS: age, sex, sexual orientation etc. Anonymous is fine. Also, be concise, please, I can't answer overly long questions. I'm the wordy one on my blog.
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THE QUESTION:I found out my crazy dad used hacking software to spy on my mom’s computer at home, and realized that he must now know I’m a lesbian because I’ve been watching The L Word online for the past few weeks! I’m freaking out because I’ll be SO awkward and angry at the same time now that I know he knows. I’m 16 and I know he’s homophobic, probably the reason why we’ve had more useless arguments than the usual. Do I come out to a homophobe family? I’m not ready! HELLPP!!BAD ADVICE:
First off, don’t be so sure daddy knows you’re a lesbian. Lots of people watch The L Word and believe me, they aren’t all bumping uglies. It’s possible he thinks mom’s getting her open mindedness on, I mean it is her computer he’s spying on. But regardless, it sounds like the subject is a closed one with him, no direct confrontations. He hasn’t asked, and you haven’t told.You’re 16, you’ve got about 2 more years in your safe little home till you head out to that vast open vagina we call college (yes, you’re going to college, or at least leaving home. No, it’s not an option, you’re doing it! Because I say so, that’s why). In the meantime, there’s no reason in the world to put yourself in danger. Your family is homophobic, you said so yourself, so coming out could mean a huge interruption in your life. Your nice warm nest could disintegrate into screaming matches and marches to church or the shrink, you might even end up on the street for no good reason besides their intolerance. Why risk it? If no one is shining a light on your sexuality, they’re probably just as happy to leave it in the dark. They might even have a clue but would prefer to leave it as a foggy notion. Don’t confront them with it now.Study hard, join activities, kick ass in school, have your girl crushes and fondle sessions and when the time comes, go very far away to college where, if you’re parents are paying for it, you will continue to stay closeted to them till such time as you’re supporting yourself.But, the very moment you’re financially free and feeling some independence, come out, come out wherever you are! I’m not an advocate of closets, not in any way. I just think a young woman like yourself shouldn’t be deprived of her parents’ promised love and support because they are still stuck in the 20th century.B.A.G. -
Readers!
I’ve come out of my funk and think I’ve got something to say again but my mailbox is barren, full of dust and cobwebs, perfect for Halloween but not for an advice blog.
Y’all want my answers to life’s biggest problems?
Ask me a question! Come on, please?
B.A.G.
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Quote reblogged from cultivating the quietExpectations are unrealized resentmentsthis is my mantra for today (via boomboxbrit)
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An oldie but goodie, this little girl always brings a smile to my face. Good to watch when feeling blue or feeling great. We should all face the mirror each day and give ourselves this kind of rousing pep talk. Just think how we’d soar.
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THE QUESTION:
I’m a straight female thirtysomething and I just started casually dating someone, casually meaning we see each other once or twice a month. When we do get together, we go on great dates, have good conversation and end the night by having amazing sex. After our encounters it’s pretty much radio silence until the next time. I’m not looking for anything serious so this seems perfect for me, to be honest I’m just happy to have gotten my “groove” back, but I’m curious as to what your thoughts are on casual sex? Is it ever really casual?
BAD ADVICE:
I’m always happy to hear about a female thirtysomething getting her wild abandon on, especially when it puts a little thump in her hump. World peace begins in your pants, right? I’m all for the “hit it and quit it” situation between two (or 3+) consenting adults. If you’re on the same page, and harbor no hidden “let me see if I can secretly turn this one into my boyfriend” agenda, I can’t see the harm in some good old timey physical affection. Search your moral, religious or superhero code and make sure you’re living up to your own standards. In my book of rules sex can be sex, not always of course, but sometimes it’s good just to feel alive in this way. And as a grown up, in charge of your own mind, you can really keep it casual. And in this commercial world it’s the only truly free form of adult entertainment.The pitfall comes when one person’s expectations change and when said person doesn’t voice that change. Continue to check in with yourself after every encounter, take note of how you feel. If your dates are serving your gettin’ your groove on purposes and nothing in your heart has bloomed into an unfulfilled yen, than you’re golden. But if you feel hopes of commitment festering in your heaving bosom, you’re going to have to open your mouth or live in turmoil and resentment towards your supposedly casual companion. It’s no fair changing the rules of the game if the other person doesn’t have the playbook. This could be the termination of your little romp sessions, but why continue when this sitch no longer serves your purpose? But with a little luck and chemistry your bedroom Casanova might come out to play in the light of day.
B.A.G.
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Can’t see standing behind any advice, good, bad or indifferent when my own life is such a mess.B.A.G.
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you would ask me a question which I would put my heart and blackened soul into answering. My little mailbox is empty and needing some love.
We can discuss all kinds of things, like how in this post I set up an expectation about how others are supposed to show me love (I do this all the time) and if they don’t live up to that expectation then they clearly don’t love me. This is a sad state of affairs and the type of thing I might address in one of my answers.
Come and git it!
B.A.G.
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THE QUESTION:
I have a nephew, he’s 14 and a great kid, well behaved and literally a genius. He makes his own video games! His problem is he actively fights enjoying life. You ask, “How do you like school?” He does NOT say, “I HATE school” the way somebody who was really unhappy would. He says, “school is not for enjoying, it’s just a job.” Do you have any idea what to tell him to let him know it IS OK TO enjoy himself?
BAD ADVICE:
Clearly your desire to impose joy to the world (and your family members) comes from a good place. You don’t want to watch your nephew toil away in his own little apathetic hell built for one, while friends and fun pass him by. But guess what? You have zilcho control over your nephew’s enjoyment levels. When was the last time someone was able to change how your felt about a situation simply by telling you to buck up? “Hey, stop feeling so blue, that two hour meeting you just sat through should have been a thrill. Grab life by the balls and stroke ‘em!” Yeah right, like that’s gonna help. Cheesy but true, “happiness is an inside job” and when your insides are fourteen years old there’s a lot of muck getting in the way.Your genius nephew has taken a practical view of school. To him it feels like a job, one he’s willing to participate in and complete but one he’s not willing to enjoy. Oh well. For him school might suck. It’s hard to be smart in a dullard world. Kids are mean and school can be really boring. And honestly, we take so much damn command over kids’ lives (maybe rightly so but still) giving them little to no control over any activity they participate in, it’s no wonder he’s exerting his will in this way. Maybe he can’t decide what he does, but at least he gets to decide how he feels about what he does. And listen, he’s a teenager for christsakes, it’s a wonder he’s getting out of bed at all. There will come a point in time when all decisions will be his, maybe that’s when he’ll choose to enjoy his life.
Leave him alone. As long as he’s not dressed in a black trench coat, carrying a semi-automatic weapon he should be fine. He’ll figure it out for himself or he won’t. Your job is to make the best of your own life, squeeze as much enjoyment out of it as you can. Be the change you want to see. Ok?
-B.A.G.
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Dear Readers,
I’m asking for your questions. Good ones. Interesting ones. Well written ones. With some juicy details please. My message box is on empty and needs some fill. I know some of you out there are having problems. Let me help.
B.A.G.
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It’s like B.A.G. up and moved. She didn’t. She’s just being neglectful at the moment. But she’ll be back.
