MY FRIENDS KEEP BEGGING ME TO POST SOME NEW ADVICE. THIS IS AN ANSWER I’VE HAD SITTING IN MY DRAFTS BOX FOR AGES. HERE YOU GO. NOT SURE HOW MANY OF THESE I’LL CONTINUE TO POST, BUT IF YOU HAVE A QUESTION WHY NOT ASK IT. I JUST MIGHT GIVE YOU SOME BAD ADVICE.
QUESTION: My sister and her boyfriend fight all the time in their apartment (which is where I also live now). The boyfriend hates me and my sister’s mom and argues how our mom doesn’t talk to him at all. Should I be involved in any of this? I just hate it when I eavesdrop and hear my sister cry and can’t do anything about it.
BAD ADVICE: If your sister wanted your advice she would ask for it, at least mine did, and that’s when I let her have it. She was dating a woman who was a total mindwrecker, had my sister in tears on the daily, it was a mess. But I kept mum out of respect for my sister and because, had I just forced my opinion on her, she wouldn’t have been eager or willing to hear what I had to say. She would have ended up defending her girlfriend because she was not ready to leave and this would have caused her to cling even harder to the bitch. But when she saw that I could give her respect, let her live her own life without telling her how to do it better (and believe me, it was torture to keep quiet), she finally asked me what I thought. Then I told her the truth, that she deserved better and that she was strong enough to leave. And she did. And was much better for it. This happened a long time ago but she gives me credit for helping to push her out the door into a much happier life.
I’m sure it’s even harder for you to keep quiet because the fighting is in your face and personal. But I think you’re just going to have to sit tight till your sister asks you what you think (and there’s a chance she might never do that) because if you don’t, you might end up pushing her back towards him instead of helping her see the light. I’m guessing she won’t hear a thing you’re saying unless she’s open to hearing it.
If I could have written this myself I would have. This is exactly what I have come to believe and live in the last several months. So grateful to have found this put down on paper/computer screen.
“Are you seeking a relationship that will make you feel complete?
Have you been searching for love but all of your experiences seem to fall short?
Do you get excited, thinking you found “the one,” only to feel dissatisfied again shortly after the high wears off?
If so, you are reading the right article.
This is a very common experience. It’s easy to feel jaded about love if you’ve had enough experiences that haven’t turned out the way you want.
Luckily, there is a reason this keeps happening. Believe it or not, you are looking for love in all the wrong places.
The relationship you are really looking for is one with YOURSELF.
I know, you may not believe me at first. You may think that you already have the best possible relationship you can have with yourself.
However if you are constantly up against feelings such as “something is missing,” or “this isn’t good enough,” or “I’m not satisfied,” then it’s a good indication that it’s time to really start tending to the most important relationship in your life–the one you have with you.
When we don’t feel satisfied within, we project the feelings of inadequacy onto our partners and other aspects of our life. The real truth is, if it feels like something is missing in your life, then it’s probably you (thank you Robert Holden for this life-changing lesson).
Here is what is going on in this oh-so common pattern: When you seek completion (meaning you are looking to feel good about yourself–to feel at peace, in love, and whole) outside of yourself, it implies that you feel incomplete to begin with.
Unfortunately this feeling of incompletion (that lives in you) is going to follow you into whatever situation you make your way into.
Sure, when you fall in love you are going to get a glimpse of completion and love that is so divine.
But, if what drove you into the relationship in the first place was to overcome a sense of feeling incomplete, you will find that soon enough you will begin to feel incomplete within the relationship, too.
Other people don’t complete us. Only You complete You.
I know many of us have heard this before and that, in theory, we believe that it is true. But the trouble is we don’t do anything about this truth!
We keep repeating the same pattern over and over again–looking for love, for completion, for a sense of inner peace by acquiring things (especially people) outside of us.
Unfortunately nothing on the outside can ultimately change the way you feel on the inside.
This isn’t to say that relationships don’t serve a purpose. This is not true. They serve the ultimate purpose–for us to feel love.
But there are very different qualities in the type of love you feel if you are trying to complete yourself with someone else versus the type of love you feel when you are showing up to join, share, and co-create with another.
In the first relationship, you are going to feel preoccupied with everything that is missing–with all that you are not getting from the other person.
In the second, you are going to feel much more freedom to just relax and freely give your love away.
You can feel deeply satisfied in relationships with other people. In fact, you are supposed to. But (and this is a big BUT) YOU have to get right with YOU first.
I came across this quote the other day by Suzanne Falter-Barnes, and she sums it up perfectly. Here is what she said:
“There is no relationship pure enough, pristine enough, sublime enough, romantic enough, beautiful enough, fulfilling enough, spiritually attuned enough to overcome the despair you will feel when you are not connected to who you are–when you are not connected to your own heart and soul.”
For your life to feel full, YOU must feel full. For your relationships to feel satisfying, YOU must feel satisfied. Soul, depth, heart, and love all come from within. And when you tap into these parts of yourself, you start to feel them all around you.
When you feel disconnected from you, you feel disconnected from everyone around you too. This is just how it works.
So what can you do? Stop looking for the answer outside of yourself–it’s not there.
You can’t control other people. You can’t expect someone to behave in a way that feels good to you all the time. You can’t get another person’s attention 100% of the time. You can’t get a stream of pure positive love from another person all the time. You can’t.
But, you can give yourself these things. You can connect into your own heart. You can live out your desires. You can be true to who you really are, and feel fullness from within. You can live your life with depth, purpose, meaning and soul. All these things you can do. And you must, if you really want to live a life filled with joy and love.
You are who you are looking for. It’s You. Just you.
If your life doesn’t feel satisfying enough–if your relationships are falling short–stop looking for the answer on the outside and go within.
Connect into yourself. Find yourself. Be true to yourself. And when you do, you will find that the love you have been looking for has been with you all along, and that it’s here to stay.
Photo Credit: Shutterstock.com
Published December 13, 2012 at 1:45 PM
About Shelly Bullard
Shelly Bullard is a student and teacher of Love. She is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (CA#51081) turned Love Coach. She teaches people How to Get the Love They Want by helping them: (1) understand why they feel like they aren’t getting enough in relationships, (2) learn how to clear the internal blocks to love (aka fear), and (3) learn how to cultivate and an abundant flow of love in their lives everyday. She is currently finishing her book on the subject and creating an online course.”
I’m not even sure if you can help me, but my period is late. I am a virgin, I have never even kissed a guy, and I can’t be pregnant. I have also been going through severe depression but I have had it worse and I have still been regular. What do you think is causing this and when do you think it will happen for me?
By no means am I a doctor and I highly recommend you see one if you’re concerned. Drag yourself out of bed and get your coochie in front of a trained professional. The one thing that popped into my head is perhaps you’re not eating, have become under weight, which can cause the period to cease. Pure conjecture based on nothing, again seek help.
And you’re right, you’re not pregnant, unless we’re talking virgin birth here, the second coming, and in that case you’ve got nothing to be depressed about. You’re gonna be famous.
But besides getting your body checked out, how about your head? I recently began seeing a head shrinker. I was so opposed for so long because I didn’t want to acknowledge my problems. Go figure, me, the one giving all this advice, not wanting to look at anything remotely negative in regards to herself. And now it’s been a few weeks and I’m staring to feel better. So maybe that’s in the cards for you. Having someone to blab to that’s not going to blab back at you works wonders. Depression is the worst. Sounds like you’ve accepted you have it, good first step, but maybe now it’s time to unburden yourself. Give it a try.
I’ve come out of my funk and think I’ve got something to say again but my mailbox is barren, full of dust and cobwebs, perfect for Halloween but not for an advice blog.
Y’all want my answers to life’s biggest problems?
Ask me a question! Come on, please?
An oldie but goodie, this little girl always brings a smile to my face. Good to watch when feeling blue or feeling great. We should all face the mirror each day and give ourselves this kind of rousing pep talk. Just think how we’d soar.
I’m a straight female thirtysomething and I just started casually dating someone, casually meaning we see each other once or twice a month. When we do get together, we go on great dates, have good conversation and end the night by having amazing sex. After our encounters it’s pretty much radio silence until the next time. I’m not looking for anything serious so this seems perfect for me, to be honest I’m just happy to have gotten my “groove” back, but I’m curious as to what your thoughts are on casual sex? Is it ever really casual?
I’m always happy to hear about a female thirtysomething getting her wild abandon on, especially when it puts a little thump in her hump. World peace begins in your pants, right? I’m all for the “hit it and quit it” situation between two (or 3+) consenting adults. If you’re on the same page, and harbor no hidden “let me see if I can secretly turn this one into my boyfriend” agenda, I can’t see the harm in some good old timey physical affection. Search your moral, religious or superhero code and make sure you’re living up to your own standards. In my book of rules sex can be sex, not always of course, but sometimes it’s good just to feel alive in this way. And as a grown up, in charge of your own mind, you can really keep it casual. And in this commercial world it’s the only truly free form of adult entertainment.
The pitfall comes when one person’s expectations change and when said person doesn’t voice that change. Continue to check in with yourself after every encounter, take note of how you feel. If your dates are serving your gettin’ your groove on purposes and nothing in your heart has bloomed into an unfulfilled yen, than you’re golden. But if you feel hopes of commitment festering in your heaving bosom, you’re going to have to open your mouth or live in turmoil and resentment towards your supposedly casual companion. It’s no fair changing the rules of the game if the other person doesn’t have the playbook. This could be the termination of your little romp sessions, but why continue when this sitch no longer serves your purpose? But with a little luck and chemistry your bedroom Casanova might come out to play in the light of day.
you would ask me a question which I would put my heart and blackened soul into answering. My little mailbox is empty and needing some love.
We can discuss all kinds of things, like how in this post I set up an expectation about how others are supposed to show me love (I do this all the time) and if they don’t live up to that expectation then they clearly don’t love me. This is a sad state of affairs and the type of thing I might address in one of my answers.
Come and git it!